Stuck in an Unhappy Marriage – What to do Now?
“There is a deep sense of emptiness even after spending 14 years of marriage with my husband. On the outside, there are no complaints but from the inside, I feel very lonely as I do not feel a deep connection with my husband anymore. He seems to be more in himself and doesn’t pay the same attention as he used to do initially. I seem to have lost a strong bond of friendship that I had with him and he doesn’t seem to enjoy my company anymore. With the routine work and the burden of children and their future, somewhere we both have lost each other. And it seems that now things will never be better again”
There is nothing very uncommon in the above story as marriage changes your life and priorities completely. It is an alliance of two different individuals who pledge to live their lives together forever. The alliance involves their dreams, passions, families, mindsets, goals, preferences, past and much more.
Marriages are also considered a reality check of one’s true character. You expose your true self to another person who now knows your insecurities, vulnerabilities, secrets and the dark side of you. All individuals are different so all marriages are unique in one way or another. Marriages can have their own unique problems, unique bonds and unique challenges.
Common Reasons that Can Lead to Complications in Married Life
Deterioration in intimacy and Sex:
This is one of the most common reasons that leads to marriage complications. When it comes to libido, men usually have a higher libido as compared to women, which leads to sex deprivation. Although this is a general perception, there are l cases where women have a higher libido compared to men as well, but these cases are lesser common.
Abuse: Abuse can be both physical and emotional. In both cases, it affects the mental state. It also makes one feel emotionally and physically unsafe from their partner. This fear after abuse breaks many relationships. Continued abuse leads to a complete breakdown.
Infidelity: Cheating in personal relationships accounts for spoiling many relationships. Trust is the most important factor in any relationship and each couple has its own benchmarks when it comes to breaking of trust. Infidelity can be sexual or emotional .in some cases sex chats and watching p$rn are considered as breaking the rules as well. This betrayal makes couples hold grudges against each other and at times it leads to verbal spats and confrontations. Once trust between couples is broken, it is a long road back to repair the relationship. But it is not impossible.
In – laws: when a couple gets married, they also get married to each other’s families. Sometimes in-laws from either side could create differences between the couple. Normally these differences are created through factors like unjust behaviour, differences of opinion, misunderstandings and poking a nose in the couple’s married life.
Money Problems: we all know that money is very important in life and relationships. Lack of money can create negativity, arguments, strains and disconnect amongst partners.
Conflicts: Sometimes a couple can have different opinions which are poles apart. In such cases, conflicts can occur at the smallest of issues and when both do not understand each other’s point of view then it’s an endless battle. Eventually, conflicts deteriorate intimacy and warmth between couples.
Work stress: Bringing office problems at home leads to strained relationships. The frustrations and stress is often released at your spouse and if he/she is not tolerant then differences are bound to occur.
Children: When a child is born to a couple then the equation of between the couple changes in terms of attention and intimacy. The attention is divided to children and as the children start growing up the quality time spent between couples starts to diminish.
Different Goals: There can be a difference in goals of life for couples. At times one of them can be over ambitious and the other could be too contented in life. The goals could be career-related, emotion-related, future-related, spirituality related or any other goal. The goals also keep on changing in an individual’s life, and so do the challenges associated with the goals. If the partners do not adjust with each other in order to achieve each other’s goals, there are chances of marital differences.
Common Friends and Relationships: sometimes the couple can share a common friend / relative to which both of them are inclined and both partners are possessive about the same person. This can become a very awkward situation for the couple and complicates the relationship.
At the end of the day, the most important factor in a happy married life is trust. To make a marriage successful both the partners need to start trusting each other. Below are some steps that can help in building a strong relationship with your partner:
- Commitment: it is very important to make a commitment to yourself that you want the marriage to be a successful one. Your intentions should be crystal clear before you make any effort and you should follow up with positive actions.
- Removing Obstacles: There could be many hurdles in your path to a happily married life. Identify these obstacles in order to build a strong foundation for a blissful married life. Do not feel shy to openly discuss the hurdles with your spouse.
- Find out the Meaning of Happiness in Your Relationship: A combination of love, trust and open correspondence makes 90% of relationships joyful. Still, there is no certain formula of joy in any relationship as we all are unique in one way or another. One needs to search for the little things that matter as each person has an individual sense of joy and satisfaction. It is always advised to try and rediscover your and your partner’s joys in a relationship. Make joint efforts so that you both know each other’s wants and desires and use the knowledge to strengthen your bond.
- Adjust your Demands: Almost all marriages face challenges when it comes to adjustments. Sometimes it’s better to be the bigger person and adjust your demands. This gives an inspiration to the partner to reciprocate the favour in some form or other. These adjustments slowly strengthen the bond and the couples start to empathize with each other more often.
- Change Yourself, not Your Partner: Charity begins at home, so you should first try and change yourself before you start expecting your partner to change. In an attempt to change someone, you may be responsible to stop them from being their true self and stop them from evolving as a person. You may advise them if you want but never force a change on your partner.
- Fulfil the Emotional Needs of Your Partner: emotional needs are as important as physical and financial. If you fulfil both physical and financial needs and are not emotionally attached to your partner, then they’re a great chance of the marriage being unsuccessful.
- Seek Help: Although interference of a third person is never advised in a marriage, sometimes this becomes the last resort to save a marriage. There is no shame in going for professional help and it is a known fact that professional marriage counsellors have helped in saving many cases of strangled marriages.